I wonder why it is I keep expecting things to be different. Why did I have to steel myself and keep myself from crying. I hate that. Because a memory will return to me, the feelings I thought I finally got over return in the form of rain and snow, and then I choke. I feel so insignificant and used. I relapse. 

Why had I hoped to return to a life before this? WHy was I dreaming of it?

Because Im a fucking idiot. 

I wonder about how I can change myself, change the people around me, change the world. And then I wonder if these tasks are too big for me. Im learning a lot, Im thinking a lot, but I struggle with action. So much hesitation sits on my chest I get frustrated. Everything is connected, I dont want to look at one thing and not another. The planet, the people who live on it, the plants, the animals, all tied together, all influenced by one another and then I conclude that so many changes need to happen. Where can I start? What can I offer this planet that’s been pushed to its limit, the people who foster enough apathy to be considered fatalistic. When there is so much actual power within us. How can I teach consciousness? 

Its ok. Im ok.

I used to think it would be hard to let go of someone I was so tightly wound into. I loved him and its sad to see him go but not hard. Actually, I feel like Ive taken my first real breath in a long time. It feels like rebirth. Im not the same person he fell in love with. Its not likely I’ll put up with the same things. Its ok and Im ok.

I’ll forgive my past with him. In so many ways, Ive learned from him, even if those lessons involved having to get hurt. I’ll learn a lot from being alone too.

Today is thanksgiving… Im thankful for loyal, beautiful family of friends, for the seized opportunities, and for my own continued happiness

It’s all over.

Why couldn’t it just work?
Why did you say those things?
You were never faithful to me
I was never precious 
 
I hoped to be beautiful for you
I wanted a lot more
But now I’m disgusted and annoyed
The thought of you don’t make me smile
It don’t make me laugh
I’m bothered and exhausted 
There’s nothing here for you
Nothing here you can take
 
I’ll say good bye again
I loved you, I loved you
Good bye, good bye
For the last time

I dont like losing things… people. I dont like losing people. I dont like not having faith. Even though I was in love, it became unbearable. It hurt and then stung to finally let go. 

I dont like letting go.