June 10th

“dont leave me,” I joked as we hugged goodbye.
 
I joked and I was serious. Part of me was ok with letting go, the other part really didn’t want to. In a perfectly perfect world, I’d get to see him more often. But he’s a libra, and he’s the wind, and he has to go. His own life has to continue, yeah? Mine too.
 
We met and talked as we walked. I told him all the things that crossed my mind. Some of those things didnt even make sense but thats ok. We can fill the spaces with as much silliness as we want. He jokes about too many things, the jiggle the girl’s butts, the faces of the people we pass, movie things, music things. We had coffee and he’s mortified by the amount of sugar I pour in. He’s laughing and Im laughing and its pretty much perfect. 
 
I can’t have days like this often, so maybe I appreciate it more. I want to be cool about it but he knows me too well for that. And, lets face it, he isnt cool either. He’s openly warm and dazzling, crooked tooth and all. 
 
“You dont belong in Brooklyn,” he says. “Its your year.” I’ll be 24 in July. “Its our time!” I say. “Its our time down here!” He responds. Goonies.
 
I believe him, at least a little. Sometimes Im not confident at all. Ive been getting better at understanding my own worth. Im less shy. 
 
We hugged twice. We said goodbye. Till next time…
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Forgiveness

It happens after being hurt
It happens after reflection
Ive learned a lot from being alone
Ive learned a lot from being bitter and angry
Ive learned that I definitely couldn’t hold onto those feelings
They’re suffocating and exhausting

Theres so much life to live after this
I was tired from all of the curtains being drawn
I wanted to let the rain in
Or else I’d wither in the darkness
I’ll loved yesterday,
I can love again tomorrow
But first I have to be wide open
Allow these scars to heal naturally

I adored you
“I love you”

I could have said it a million times
I could have sung and danced
I could have loved you forever

I’ll take a deep breath
I’ll pray you learned a lesson too
Thank you, for the good memories anyway
Thank you, for the happy days
I wont forget them, I wont try

Betrayal

She slept with my ex. And then I forgive her. It wasn’t enough for me to lose her. He wasn’t worth it. One mistake wasn’t worth it.

She spent valentines day with him.

Is it worth losing a friend over? I don’t know this time. All I have is a sneaking feeling that it isn’t right. How many mistakes does someone make before they learn a lesson?

Is he worth losing me over? So starved for love that you don’t car where it comes from anymore. It makes me sick.

I bet he tells her she’s wonderful.

That’s only half true.

He’ll tell anyone that.

He’ll fuck you senseless I bet. Because I know it. Because I’ve felt it.

But it isn’t worth it.

I texted her. Asked her not to see him.

I asked for a promise.

…and then she never replied.

Ex

He used to mean a lot to me
He used to mean the world
And I used to think that would never change
I remember telling him that I trusted him
And that it was my lack of faith that made me hesitate
I feel disgusted when I think of him
Wild, and loose, and horny
What a dog
What a swine

I don’t love him anymore
Because it used to be
“I love you” but
“I’m not ready”
Now it’s “I love you”
But he wants to fuck my friends too

Disgusting, disgusting
One day he’ll feel it too
The sting of being played like a drum
Beat on. I have no patience for this
No love for a man with no love for me
No respect for me
Hiding dirt behind paint
I have eyes that see pass that

And I see you
So perfectly broken
Without a conscious or a soul
I can’t protect you from your faults
I wanted to once
But that was before
And this is now
And now I hate you

So be shallowed up
Let that darkness consume you
There is no way out
You’re just a bad person
You don’t care about the people who cared for you

Selfish, mother fucking, bitch
You don’t care
So I won’t care
I won’t think nothing of you

Its ok. Im ok.

I used to think it would be hard to let go of someone I was so tightly wound into. I loved him and its sad to see him go but not hard. Actually, I feel like Ive taken my first real breath in a long time. It feels like rebirth. Im not the same person he fell in love with. Its not likely I’ll put up with the same things. Its ok and Im ok.

I’ll forgive my past with him. In so many ways, Ive learned from him, even if those lessons involved having to get hurt. I’ll learn a lot from being alone too.

Today is thanksgiving… Im thankful for loyal, beautiful family of friends, for the seized opportunities, and for my own continued happiness

Foolish (6th note)

I can’t know what he wants

Besides the lusty stare
What the hell else is there?
I try to smile, and maybe it works
But I’m breaking
Darling, I’m breaking 
 
I cried to a song today
Your song 
I can’t say why 
I’m filled and overflowing 
What can I do now?
I have no power
I have no faith
 
My throat is tight 
I’m hardly breathing 
But you don’t speak to me
Not with your heart, or the feelings locked in it 
All I can touch is your body
All I get to have is just that
 
I love you so much 
I really do
So give me more
I’m tired if clawing at an space between us
Lets close this distance 
Run to me 
I’ll run to you
 
Full of lust
Full of cum
You’ll touch me
And then you’ll walk away
 
Stay close and want me more
It’s lonely and suffocating here
Another minute is fine
Maybe even a day
 
But I’m afraid to use my voice more
I don’t want to throw myself into this ocean
I don’t swim good
I really don’t 
And if I can’t see you swimming
I’d be the only fool
 
I don’t want to be the only fool