A man(trigger warning)

I saw a man today. A man who took advantage of me when I was 18. He’s my older sister’s, older friend. A man she used to date. A man who knows my mother personally. A man who helped my father when he was roughed up on the street one day.

I stopped thinking of him a long time ago. My life went on. Ive met people who have made me happy. Im intelligent, Im beautiful, Im compassionate, and warm.

He couldn’t take any of my future from me. I still have me… is what I told myself.

He has a child now. A little girl. I don’t know how old she is or what she looks like. Recently, he visited my home and had a chat with my mother. From my bedroom, I wondered about the little girl born from a man like him. I wondered if he ever stopped to wonder about the man he is. Has he considered his baby girl meeting a man with the same ambition as him, coming after his daughter so deliberately, with lust so rampant in his veins for his girl that he did not care what it meant to obtain her. Would he think that his little girl would be taken twice?

It feels like such a long time ago. I don’t think about it, not really. I still have me, is what I tell myself. I believe it, mostly. The moment I was taken advantage of, thats his, a part of my life that I had no control of, I don’t own it. I’m me, but that time is his. He got what he wanted after all.

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Forgiveness

It happens after being hurt
It happens after reflection
Ive learned a lot from being alone
Ive learned a lot from being bitter and angry
Ive learned that I definitely couldn’t hold onto those feelings
They’re suffocating and exhausting

Theres so much life to live after this
I was tired from all of the curtains being drawn
I wanted to let the rain in
Or else I’d wither in the darkness
I’ll loved yesterday,
I can love again tomorrow
But first I have to be wide open
Allow these scars to heal naturally

I adored you
“I love you”

I could have said it a million times
I could have sung and danced
I could have loved you forever

I’ll take a deep breath
I’ll pray you learned a lesson too
Thank you, for the good memories anyway
Thank you, for the happy days
I wont forget them, I wont try

Crisis

I doubt I have the time
People tell me I do but I dont believe it
So much to do with this single life of mine
And I dont have the time
Reading, writing, doing
My thoughts are filled with to-dos
Gotta fall in love with myself, this earth, people
Live within the limits of this precious planet
How do I do these things? 
I hit the ground running
Then I stumbled into a bush
There’s a clock somewhere 
that keeps haunting my dreams
He laughs at my setbacks
There no time to bring it back
Im going through a crisis
Im already 23
24, 25, 26, 30, 32, 40
How quickly can I get these things done
Im already so tired
Dont fail, dont forget to breathe 
So many things are falling out of my hands
I want to cry
But who has time for that either?

Who has time…. to cry.

Betrayal

She slept with my ex. And then I forgive her. It wasn’t enough for me to lose her. He wasn’t worth it. One mistake wasn’t worth it.

She spent valentines day with him.

Is it worth losing a friend over? I don’t know this time. All I have is a sneaking feeling that it isn’t right. How many mistakes does someone make before they learn a lesson?

Is he worth losing me over? So starved for love that you don’t car where it comes from anymore. It makes me sick.

I bet he tells her she’s wonderful.

That’s only half true.

He’ll tell anyone that.

He’ll fuck you senseless I bet. Because I know it. Because I’ve felt it.

But it isn’t worth it.

I texted her. Asked her not to see him.

I asked for a promise.

…and then she never replied.

I wonder about how I can change myself, change the people around me, change the world. And then I wonder if these tasks are too big for me. Im learning a lot, Im thinking a lot, but I struggle with action. So much hesitation sits on my chest I get frustrated. Everything is connected, I dont want to look at one thing and not another. The planet, the people who live on it, the plants, the animals, all tied together, all influenced by one another and then I conclude that so many changes need to happen. Where can I start? What can I offer this planet that’s been pushed to its limit, the people who foster enough apathy to be considered fatalistic. When there is so much actual power within us. How can I teach consciousness? 

Thank You, Friend

Had a long talk with a friend of mine. It was 3AM. God knows we had things to do in the morning but sometimes girls need girl talk. And girls need 3AM emotional support. We need to vent and sigh about the things that were out of our control. How we’d still be with him if he’d just gotten his act together. That one him that you’ll secretly continue to love but have had enough of. Every woman has a “him.” A he who shall not be named, well, because when we say “him” we already know who you are talking about. Ah. that’s girl talk, and I love it. Nothing makes me feel more connected to another person than giggling at their messages at absurd times of the day. Because that requires a certain kind of love that actually loves back. And I’ll keep thanking her for that, for being so amazing and caring and ridiculously adorable.

Ex

He used to mean a lot to me
He used to mean the world
And I used to think that would never change
I remember telling him that I trusted him
And that it was my lack of faith that made me hesitate
I feel disgusted when I think of him
Wild, and loose, and horny
What a dog
What a swine

I don’t love him anymore
Because it used to be
“I love you” but
“I’m not ready”
Now it’s “I love you”
But he wants to fuck my friends too

Disgusting, disgusting
One day he’ll feel it too
The sting of being played like a drum
Beat on. I have no patience for this
No love for a man with no love for me
No respect for me
Hiding dirt behind paint
I have eyes that see pass that

And I see you
So perfectly broken
Without a conscious or a soul
I can’t protect you from your faults
I wanted to once
But that was before
And this is now
And now I hate you

So be shallowed up
Let that darkness consume you
There is no way out
You’re just a bad person
You don’t care about the people who cared for you

Selfish, mother fucking, bitch
You don’t care
So I won’t care
I won’t think nothing of you