I wonder why it is I keep expecting things to be different. Why did I have to steel myself and keep myself from crying. I hate that. Because a memory will return to me, the feelings I thought I finally got over return in the form of rain and snow, and then I choke. I feel so insignificant and used. I relapse. 

Why had I hoped to return to a life before this? WHy was I dreaming of it?

Because Im a fucking idiot. 

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